Last month I went to a local speed dating event, and had an interesting experience with it, particularly regarding politics. I chatted with 21 different women during the series of 4 min. rounds, and because having compatible political views is important to me in who I choose to date, as well as also having compatible values in other areas, including religion and lack of religion in them and me, I asked each woman to say where they feel they fit in the political spectrum, from conservative to liberal, etc. Surprisingly, at least to me, 7 of the 21, a full third of them, refused to answer this simple,, basic ?, saying either that they "weren't political", "don't discuss politics with anyone", to saying " I only discuss politics with those close to me,,,,, (adult children, closest friends, etc.). I respectfully honored their refusals and didn't try to argue with or criticize them for their stance, even tho I suspect that all of them were either closet Trumpers or conservatives, and felt defensive or embarrassed by how their side is acting these days or the backlash against them, etc. But I did immediately write each of them off, as far as compatibility or any further interest in getting to know more about them, since they had already failed one of my few dealbreakers on a woman's personality, character, values, etc..

I have also run into much of this same thing with the dating sites like Match, Bumble, etc., where the women don't openly say they refuse to discuss politics, but instead, they simply leave out any indication of their political views or political affiliation, also sometimes they use evasive or dishonest language to describe their political traits, such as saying they're apolitical, when they later inevitably turn out to be Trumpers or conservatives, once you connect with them and begin trading messages. Or they use vague, misleading labels like Independent, or Moderate, when they also later turn out to be conservative or a Trumper.

in my case, it's obvious where i stand on the significance of politics in dating. Aside from physical attraction/chemistry, political views may be at the top of the list for many singles. There used to be more wiggle room in our grandparent's generations when women weren't as involved in politics. Now, especially due to the internet, people connect to politics like they do favorite sports teams and bands and they follow politicians the way they do celebrities.

i can't imagine speed daters beating around the G. W. Bush. The only reason someone should avoid that issue up front is if they are just looking for a fling. Otherwise, it's counter productive to invest in a relationship that is likely to fail.

Well said, V., and I'm also way too old to be doing flings, lol, and I didn't even do them when I was a young man. Guess I was just too shy or uptight then. But since these women are paying $35 a ticket for this event, I would like to think that about all of them are after more than a fling, since they were all age 55-70, and were more likely looking for something real and long term, if possible. But I could well be wrong, since the way it turned out, I think that looks, same as on the dating sites, was the main factor for most of them, same as with the men, in who they chose to match with after the event ended. I like to think I was pretty open-minded and not overly focused on looks, in who I chose to match with, since I selected to match with 13 of the 21 women who attended, but ended up with only one mutual match. But I heard, from another guy who was there, as well as the organizer. that it's pretty common for men at those events to only end up with one or two mutual matches, and sometimes no mutual matches. So it could have been worse, but it still felt like a real gut punch, to be honest, tho not that much different than my rejection rate on the dating sites, of how many replies I got out of the first messages I sent to women, about a 10-15% response rate..

I also think that compatibility on religion, or lack of it, is also becoming almost as important as politics these days in dating, at least for relationships that are supposed to be long term and not superficial or casual. etc.. And I think the same honesty and openness should apply with that, in both profiles and early messaging or sharing with a prospective partner..

Oh boy, I have a lot to say on this topic. I will not engage with anyone on a dating app that doesn't list "liberal" in their profile. I won't even "like" a person who lists moderate. Because in this climate, it's time to choose a side. To much is at stake to be wishy washy.

I've had men message my profile who were moderate or apolitical. I would politely decline and explain that we would not be compatible. A few would argue "Why is it a big deal?"

Umm... because I need to respect the person I'm dating.

Right on, scary! A woman after my own heart. I feel exactly the same about wishy washyness. As the congressman said, "It's time to choose a 🍆>🐱ing side!".... And I take dating too seriously, or at least long term relationships, that I won't date someone I don't respect, or who doesn't respect me, as well.. Also, feel free to say more on this topic, glad I brought up something you were passionate about... BTW, I used to message or show interest in women's profiles that listed Moderate as their political affiliation or label, but I stopped doing that, once I saw that the vast majority of them were just using that as a cover for actually being a Trumper or conservative. I too hate dishonesty in dating profiles, dating behavior, and the dating game in general. But obviously most people feel differently, since dishonesty is so rampant in the dating game these days. Still I remain an idealist on that point, probably because my father was a career judge, so honesty is my top value, when it comes to character...

thanks to all 3 of you for sharing your interesting perspectives on life and love. There's some good things about getting older, and one of them is that we know who we are and we are ready to tell it like it is.

i believe we can and should be open to change, though. The adventure is not over. There's still time to learn and grow. I've already learned things from this small group of posters in the first few weeks Newbl has been online.

i'd like to add that for some folks, like me, there's a lot to be said for independence. Freedom. Time to find what fulfills you and indulge in it.

since you are more social than i am -- you could explore things that involves interaction. Movie clubs, book clubs, political groups, animal groups, pickle-ball groups, card groups. There is a site called NextDoor that might have groups. Meet-Up used to be popular, but i don't know how active they are now. Covid derailed some things.

i did set out for this site to be a tool for those kinds of connections. And it can get there, in time.

also. How about the concept of volunteering. Sounds like a great way to meet someone sensitive, caring and nurturing. yes?

I've been divorced since 2017 and have been on and off the dating sites. Here's my humble opinion, BobDylan. You feel as if you were played because dating apps are basically a game. Swiping, liking, waiting.... then....."Oooh, someone messaged me back!" The rewards are up and down with the ghosting, algorithms, and painful first dates. The only way to survive the game is not to take it personally. Believe me, I'm not above getting my feelings hurt either. However, I do find that when I set realistic boundaries "with myself", I am always in a better mindset. For those of us who still work full-time, it truly can be the easiest way to meet singles. Not that I didn't think the Captain had great advice - volunteering, card groups, pickle-ball, animal groups. However, that isn't always easy with limited free time.

I was sorry to read that you felt sad and cynical. Because that was me until I changed my goals. Now I avoid burnout by not having expectations. Change your perspective about the woman who decided not to meet. Look at it not as a missed opportunity but an apparent mismatch. She was obviously not ready to date at this time.

I put right in my profile that I am not interested in a THE LYIN' KING/Bush voter. On websites where it is an option, I always select "very liberal." But that has not stopped a couple of women from voicing their opinion in messages "Have fun at your stupid protests. You might stumble onto a woman who could put up with your atheist asss." That was my favorite.

I have heard the same sort of thing from women on dating sites, who have very clearly stated their being very liberal and their desire to reject any men who are conservatives or Trumpers, and yet there are always men who will either message them on the other sites or match with them on Bumble, all so they can send trolling messages to those women. If these people are truly secure in their political beliefs, you don't have the need to seek out and troll others who have done nothing but put themselves out on a dating site, while being open and honest about who they are politically. I have never felt the need to troll people I encounter on dating sites, because I'm secure in who I am, and don't need to engage or connect with the politically incompatible, to insult or lecture them on how wrong they are, etc.. I guess having some class in how you conduct yourself, is more common among the left than the right, not surprisingly...

I feel lucky that conservatives on dating sites haven't trolled me. But it's probably because I won't match with someone who lists conservative as their political belief. I write my political preference as liberal, and I also write on my profile, "If you are a THE LYIN' KING supporter, we won't be compatible." What amazes me is that I still have men who message me who are conservative. I hate ghosting. It's so rude. If you are not interested, then like BobDylan wrote, be the bigger person and be honest instead of ignoring. But this is the one circumstance where I won't answer a message. Because the guy obviously didn't even bother to read my profile. And unfortunately, I'm concerned that if I do engage, it will turn ugly. Dating apps are difficult enough!

I agree scary, as I too hate ghosting, but in the case of someone who is obviously conservative or a Trumper, and thus incompatible, then it's obvious in that case, that the person either didn't read your profile, or if they did, they just want to engage or match with you to send you trolling messages. So in either case, an exception is justified as far as ghosting them, because you have already set an appropriate boundary, which has been ignored, and nothing good will come from it, as you say, by engaging with them..