Last month I went to a local speed dating event, and had an interesting experience with it, particularly regarding politics. I chatted with 21 different women during the series of 4 min. rounds, and because having compatible political views is important to me in who I choose to date, as well as also having compatible values in other areas, including religion and lack of religion in them and me, I asked each woman to say where they feel they fit in the political spectrum, from conservative to liberal, etc. Surprisingly, at least to me, 7 of the 21, a full third of them, refused to answer this simple,, basic ?, saying either that they "weren't political", "don't discuss politics with anyone", to saying " I only discuss politics with those close to me,,,,, (adult children, closest friends, etc.). I respectfully honored their refusals and didn't try to argue with or criticize them for their stance, even tho I suspect that all of them were either closet Trumpers or conservatives, and felt defensive or embarrassed by how their side is acting these days or the backlash against them, etc. But I did immediately write each of them off, as far as compatibility or any further interest in getting to know more about them, since they had already failed one of my few dealbreakers on a woman's personality, character, values, etc..

I have also run into much of this same thing with the dating sites like Match, Bumble, etc., where the women don't openly say they refuse to discuss politics, but instead, they simply leave out any indication of their political views or political affiliation, also sometimes they use evasive or dishonest language to describe their political traits, such as saying they're apolitical, when they later inevitably turn out to be Trumpers or conservatives, once you connect with them and begin trading messages. Or they use vague, misleading labels like Independent, or Moderate, when they also later turn out to be conservative or a Trumper.

Part Two: Personally, I have always been honest, open, and straight up about my politics in dating profiles, even tho I know it cuts down the interest and number of women that will reply to my first messages to them, etc., but I care enough about compatibility, that I'm already pretty selective in who I approach on dating sites, within the limits of what they share in their profiles. With how polarized America is, and with how much politics is currently affecting the lives of most people here, I just don't get why so many people feel like it either doesn't matter, for compatibility or that they can ignore it. Unless they are either just after something that is casual and mostly just physical, or they are so privileged, selfish, or uncaring about the less privileged people who are getting hurt by our current politics. No matter which of these, someone like that is a hard pass for me, since my values include really caring about less privileged people, even tho the current politics aren't really affecting or hurting me much at all, not yet. So I'm really curious what the rest of the members feel about and have experienced regarding this issue.

What says the tribe?

in my case, it's obvious where i stand on the significance of politics in dating. Aside from physical attraction/chemistry, political views may be at the top of the list for many singles. There used to be more wiggle room in our grandparent's generations when women weren't as involved in politics. Now, especially due to the internet, people connect to politics like they do favorite sports teams and bands and they follow politicians the way they do celebrities.

i can't imagine speed daters beating around the G. W. Bush. The only reason someone should avoid that issue up front is if they are just looking for a fling. Otherwise, it's counter productive to invest in a relationship that is likely to fail.

Well said, V., and I'm also way too old to be doing flings, lol, and I didn't even do them when I was a young man. Guess I was just too shy or uptight then. But since these women are paying $35 a ticket for this event, I would like to think that about all of them are after more than a fling, since they were all age 55-70, and were more likely looking for something real and long term, if possible. But I could well be wrong, since the way it turned out, I think that looks, same as on the dating sites, was the main factor for most of them, same as with the men, in who they chose to match with after the event ended. I like to think I was pretty open-minded and not overly focused on looks, in who I chose to match with, since I selected to match with 13 of the 21 women who attended, but ended up with only one mutual match. But I heard, from another guy who was there, as well as the organizer. that it's pretty common for men at those events to only end up with one or two mutual matches, and sometimes no mutual matches. So it could have been worse, but it still felt like a real gut punch, to be honest, tho not that much different than my rejection rate on the dating sites, of how many replies I got out of the first messages I sent to women, about a 10-15% response rate..

I also think that compatibility on religion, or lack of it, is also becoming almost as important as politics these days in dating, at least for relationships that are supposed to be long term and not superficial or casual. etc.. And I think the same honesty and openness should apply with that, in both profiles and early messaging or sharing with a prospective partner..

Oh boy, I have a lot to say on this topic. I will not engage with anyone on a dating app that doesn't list "liberal" in their profile. I won't even "like" a person who lists moderate. Because in this climate, it's time to choose a side. To much is at stake to be wishy washy.

I've had men message my profile who were moderate or apolitical. I would politely decline and explain that we would not be compatible. A few would argue "Why is it a big deal?"

Umm... because I need to respect the person I'm dating.

Right on, scary! A woman after my own heart. I feel exactly the same about wishy washyness. As the congressman said, "It's time to choose a 🍆>🐱ing side!".... And I take dating too seriously, or at least long term relationships, that I won't date someone I don't respect, or who doesn't respect me, as well.. Also, feel free to say more on this topic, glad I brought up something you were passionate about... BTW, I used to message or show interest in women's profiles that listed Moderate as their political affiliation or label, but I stopped doing that, once I saw that the vast majority of them were just using that as a cover for actually being a Trumper or conservative. I too hate dishonesty in dating profiles, dating behavior, and the dating game in general. But obviously most people feel differently, since dishonesty is so rampant in the dating game these days. Still I remain an idealist on that point, probably because my father was a career judge, so honesty is my top value, when it comes to character...

In all of my romantic relationships except the last one, politics was never a concern of mine. BobDylan, I privately shared the following anecdote with you, so please pardon the replay.

I ended my last romance because the gal was a devout, unrepentant Trumper -- a tough call because she had great legs. I go stupid over great legs. Ultimately however, the lass' odious politics "trumped" her gorgeous gams. But, oh, you kid!

These days politics getting in the way of romance is not at all a deal-breaker. I'm out of "the mating game." My domestic partner of 40 years died two years ago. Our relationship was platonic. But she was my closest, longest, and dearest companion. Not a day goes by that she is not in my thoughts, dreams, and memories. Two years later, I still grieve and mourn the loss of her company and friendship. Her demise was, to date, the latest in a traumatic series of losses during the past seven years: one coworker died after suffering a stroke, one coworker was brutally murdered, one friend died from cancer, and one friend committed suicide.

Another loss -- simultaneously depressing and welcomed -- is the death of my libido. But, I'll pass on pill-popping Viagra, thank you very much. Emotionally, psychologically, figuratively, and literally, I can't get it up for Love -- and I'm not cryin' about it. Nothing lasts forever. Just as well because finding a "soulmate" and getting married were never on my Things to Do list. To me, marriage is a passion-killer -- the conjugal equivalent of a lobotomy. Spending my life day after day . . . week after week . . . month after month . . . year after year — until death! — with one woman . . . can't do it! Beyond my capability. Monogamy (meatloaf again?!) = Monotony, as far as I'm concerned. Sacre bleu! La variété! Eet eez ze spice of life, oui?

So needless to say, I won't be joining the Liberal Hearts Club, which is no great loss --indeed, no loss at all -- for womankind.

No worries, mac. Don't mind at all the replay, and I agreed with your point, plus, I think the rest of the class would enjoy hearing your experience.. And like you, I usually have my physical type that I'm attracted to, same as most folks.. As a widower, I feel your pain about losing your longtime partner, and it sucks to lose so many people to death in such a short time. I lost both my parents and my late wife, all in less than a ten year span. It felt like death was just stalking me, and all I wanted was to go several years without anybody close to me dying.... I have to respectfully disagree with you about marriage and monogamy, since I really enjoyed both of those with my late wife. As for libido, the dating mating game, etc., I have not chosen to give up, but I totally get why so many others my age, and maybe whatever your age is, do. I respect them as well, as they're doing themselves and the rest of the world, a favor, rather than trying to be or do something that isn't really them or what they want. Only going to cause grief for all involved and concerned.

But I'm really glad you're here, on the site and in the forum, as I really enjoy your posts and comments, as you're really bright, funny, insightful, and brutally honest with us, esp. about yourself...

thanks to all 3 of you for sharing your interesting perspectives on life and love. There's some good things about getting older, and one of them is that we know who we are and we are ready to tell it like it is.

i believe we can and should be open to change, though. The adventure is not over. There's still time to learn and grow. I've already learned things from this small group of posters in the first few weeks Newbl has been online.

13 hours ago, V.3 said:

. . . i believe we can and should be open to change, though . . .

Neurotic Alert! I get "triggered" by "we." I believe you can and should be open to change, Cap'n, because that is your nature. I bristle when folks tell everyone (especially me!) how they (I) should behave.

. . . just an FYI and "Heads up!"

14 hours ago, BobDylan said:

. . . I have not chosen to give up, but I totally get why so many others my age, and maybe whatever your age is, do. I respect them as well, as they're doing themselves and the rest of the world, a favor, rather than trying to be or do something that isn't really them or what they want. Only going to cause grief for all involved and concerned.

Nailed it! Removing myself from the dating/mating game really is a public service. I don't want to disappoint and hurt anyone (been there, done that waaaaay too many times, alas).

14 hours ago, BobDylan said:

But I'm really glad you're here, on the site and in the forum, as I really enjoy your posts and comments, as you're really bright, funny, insightful, and brutally honest with us, esp. about yourself...

Thank you for the genuinely appreciated too kind words, BobDylan. Seems to me that you'd be a "prize catch," partner-wise.

Well, I finally got to a place where I can reply or comment on a post and all I can say is that this, at least to me, is not a very user friendly site as far as navigating. I can't even figure out how to complete my profile. Sorry Bob that my comment on your post isn't actually relevant but this is the 1st place where I could actually post a comment to hopefully be upgraded to Newbl CITIZEN.

Michele,

Welcome! Check out the newBluePlanet "satellite" FAQ: Site Memberships.

No worries, Michele, a lot of us, including me, have struggled with navigating the site and setting up our profiles. So your comment being placed in this thread is just fine. What matters is that you're here, and we're getting to hear from you and to begin getting to know who you are.. Tom

[moved here from other thread]

Sheesh, I'm feeling so sad, cynical and hopeless today, but then again, it's also at least partly because I just found out that a woman I met at a speed dating event in Oct., and had traded a few messages with, has been misleading me on where I stood with her and whether she was going to go ahead as planned with meeting me for coffee after she recovered from a surgery she had soon after the dating event. Guess you just can't trust anybody to keep their word these days, in the dating game, until after you've been chosen against the rest of the field and are in an established relationship. It's not that I cared so much about whether things worked out with her or not, but about having misread someone again, for the umpteenth time, about what I might expect from them going forward in the dating process. I get to where it's so hard to trust my judgement about people in that game....

Even with added experience and age, it still sucks to get and feel played, no matter how many times it's happened before to you. Why can't most people play life with integrity, honesty, and fairness, be it pols, business people, or even singles in the dating game? I know that I'm over generalizing from my experience, but sometimes, like now, I feel like Diogenes, in search of one honest man (or woman). Maybe I should change my username to Charlie Brown, someone else I have often felt was my alter ego? Another underappreciated bald character... Carry on, my friends... Tom aka Bob....

Tom, imo, i don't think you were necessarily "played." Everyone needs to be honest and respectful, in the process. But, it IS a difficult process. At this point in our lives, singles can be set in their ways and hesitant because of bad experiences. And health considerations regarding her surgery could certainly have complicated things.

but, indeed, it can be a game. If i were playing it now i'd try to think of every meetup that doesn't work out as a stepping stone in the right direction -- to someone who will appreciate your value and reciprocate in ways that is truly fulfilling to both of you. As opposed to a detour down a yellow brick road that ultimately wastes both of your time when the fake wizard or wizardess behind the curtain is revealed.

i know who i am and what i want now. Others do too. So, it's only natural that we apply our wisdom in the dating equation.

my approach. when i'm ready. will be to not look for a friend rather than a partner. The rest will develop naturally, when the person is right. no rush. the medical industry is happy to keep filling our prescriptions to keep our aging bodies going. And a.i. life extension tech is around the corner.

If someone you meet doesn't get you, someone else will. Just enjoy a cup of coffee and a chat along the way in your journey. The philosophers say, it's the journey, not the destination that matters.

i'd like to add that for some folks, like me, there's a lot to be said for independence. Freedom. Time to find what fulfills you and indulge in it.

since you are more social than i am -- you could explore things that involves interaction. Movie clubs, book clubs, political groups, animal groups, pickle-ball groups, card groups. There is a site called NextDoor that might have groups. Meet-Up used to be popular, but i don't know how active they are now. Covid derailed some things.

i did set out for this site to be a tool for those kinds of connections. And it can get there, in time.

also. How about the concept of volunteering. Sounds like a great way to meet someone sensitive, caring and nurturing. yes?

I've been divorced since 2017 and have been on and off the dating sites. Here's my humble opinion, BobDylan. You feel as if you were played because dating apps are basically a game. Swiping, liking, waiting.... then....."Oooh, someone messaged me back!" The rewards are up and down with the ghosting, algorithms, and painful first dates. The only way to survive the game is not to take it personally. Believe me, I'm not above getting my feelings hurt either. However, I do find that when I set realistic boundaries "with myself", I am always in a better mindset. For those of us who still work full-time, it truly can be the easiest way to meet singles. Not that I didn't think the Captain had great advice - volunteering, card groups, pickle-ball, animal groups. However, that isn't always easy with limited free time.

I was sorry to read that you felt sad and cynical. Because that was me until I changed my goals. Now I avoid burnout by not having expectations. Change your perspective about the woman who decided not to meet. Look at it not as a missed opportunity but an apparent mismatch. She was obviously not ready to date at this time.

The woman in ? that I felt had played me, was not from a dating site, but from a speed dating event held in late Oct., after which we traded emails, where she said she would be having a surgery Nov. 3rd, and "would not be talking to or dating any guys before the surgery or during her recovery" from the surgery. The email she finally sent me on Mon., saying she had met another guy from a dating app and had been on two dates with him, since the time of her surgery, tells me I was lied to and misled by her, as far as what to expect from her going forward from the dating event, as she had said she would message me after her recovery was over and that we might then go out for coffee then. I rest my case... This is far from the first time, that a woman has lied to me or misled me on what to expect, or when we might get together, after they had moved and settled in from the move, had a surgery, gone on a trip, etc.. So it sucks every time, and I wish people would just keep their word and play the game straight and honestly, as I always have. I get sick of these kiss off emails and messages from women, after they've already eliminated me from the running, and gone forward with other guys behind my back, instead of keeping me informed in a timely manner, of when my standing or status with them has changed, since that is how I've always played it in the dating game. People love to talk about how important honesty is in the dating process, but in my experience, that is mostly one-way, something they expect from others, but are unwilling to give on their end..

The woman was ready to date at this time, she just didn't want to date me, obviously, and that I was way down on her list of men from the speed dating event and the dating app, in other words, I was a back up or leftover, that she would only go ahead with meeting, if all the other more desired prospects fell thru for her. I get that until someone is exclusive with you in an established relationship, who else they are connecting with or seeing is none of your business, but when they have already given you expectations, like she did, and your status with them has changed, to where they no longer intend to meet or see you again, then I feel they owe it to you to communicate that in a timely manner, not a month after they have changed their mind about where you stand with them. That is simply selfish, cowardly, and dishonest, if you ask me..

I put right in my profile that I am not interested in a THE LYIN' KING/Bush voter. On websites where it is an option, I always select "very liberal." But that has not stopped a couple of women from voicing their opinion in messages "Have fun at your stupid protests. You might stumble onto a woman who could put up with your atheist asss." That was my favorite.

I have heard the same sort of thing from women on dating sites, who have very clearly stated their being very liberal and their desire to reject any men who are conservatives or Trumpers, and yet there are always men who will either message them on the other sites or match with them on Bumble, all so they can send trolling messages to those women. If these people are truly secure in their political beliefs, you don't have the need to seek out and troll others who have done nothing but put themselves out on a dating site, while being open and honest about who they are politically. I have never felt the need to troll people I encounter on dating sites, because I'm secure in who I am, and don't need to engage or connect with the politically incompatible, to insult or lecture them on how wrong they are, etc.. I guess having some class in how you conduct yourself, is more common among the left than the right, not surprisingly...

I feel lucky that conservatives on dating sites haven't trolled me. But it's probably because I won't match with someone who lists conservative as their political belief. I write my political preference as liberal, and I also write on my profile, "If you are a THE LYIN' KING supporter, we won't be compatible." What amazes me is that I still have men who message me who are conservative. I hate ghosting. It's so rude. If you are not interested, then like BobDylan wrote, be the bigger person and be honest instead of ignoring. But this is the one circumstance where I won't answer a message. Because the guy obviously didn't even bother to read my profile. And unfortunately, I'm concerned that if I do engage, it will turn ugly. Dating apps are difficult enough!

I agree scary, as I too hate ghosting, but in the case of someone who is obviously conservative or a Trumper, and thus incompatible, then it's obvious in that case, that the person either didn't read your profile, or if they did, they just want to engage or match with you to send you trolling messages. So in either case, an exception is justified as far as ghosting them, because you have already set an appropriate boundary, which has been ignored, and nothing good will come from it, as you say, by engaging with them..

i don't say this to be mean, but Republican men, especially MAGAS, are not popular with the average woman. Provoking a liberal woman is probably a way to get some attention and unload some resentment.

I totally agree with you, V.. That goes with how many right wing men these days are hiding their politics in the dating game, except for maybe when they attend THE LYIN' KING rallies looking for women to date. And we all know how much they love attention, as well as trolling their opponents and being hurtful to those same groups, just to indulge their own ego and inflict some grief or suffering on people. Except that they overestimate how much upset they will cause a liberal woman with their trolling, in most cases.