DEAR RED STATES… WE’RE LEAVING Dear Red States, We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. That includes Hawaii, Washington, Oregon, California, New Mexico, Colorado, Illinois, Minnesota, Virginia, most of the Northeast, and our favorite swing-flirts like Michigan and Pennsylvania when they behave. We’ll call ourselves The United States of Sanity. You can keep Mar-a-Lago. Here’s the split: • We get stem-cell research. You get stemware from Branson gift shops. • We get the Statue of Liberty. You get the world’s largest ball of twine. • We get Apple, Microsoft, Google, and you get MyPillow. • We get Hollywood. You get Duck Dynasty reruns. Resources: • We control most of the venture capital, the Ivy League, the West Coast tech corridor, the Great Lakes (about 84% of North America’s surface fresh water), and 95% of U.S. wine production. • You get coal, cattle, and almost all the tornadoes. • Pineapples? Hawaii. Lettuce? California. Cheese? Sorry, Wisconsin votes blue more often than not, so it’s coming with us. Taxes and money: • On average, blue states send more to Washington than they get back. Red states take in more federal dollars than they pay. So when we “split the check,” you’ll be picking up your own tab for the first time in decades. Good luck with that. Culture: • Blue states have lower divorce rates and higher life expectancy. Red states have more churches per square mile, but somehow not more stable marriages. • In recent polls, around 40% of Republicans still doubt evolution, and a stubborn minority think Saddam helped with 9/11. Y’all can keep those history books. • We get Broadway. You get Branson, which is kind of Broadway if it ran on casseroles and Precious Moments figurines. Weather: • Hurricanes? You’ll still get clobbered in Florida and Texas. • Mosquitoes? Honestly, they’re bipartisan — but they seem happier in your humidity. Peace out, —The Blue States 🥂💻🌊